CJ Kaplan

The Last Diaper by CJ Kaplan

For the first 30 years of my life, I changed exactly zero dirty diapers. For the last 10, I changed roughly 4,000. My wife, probably 4 or 5 times that amount. Then, earlier this month, the youngest of our three children finally became potty trained. Ten years of padding the retirement funds of the good people at Pampers was finally over.

Now, our changing table is just another piece of furniture. Wipes are used only for dirty hands. And the optimistically-named Diaper Champ has been KO’d. (Truth be told, the Diaper Champ may have held the title for holding capacity, but the battle for odor containment was a split decision at best.)

Most kids potty train around the age of 3. But, if your child is taking a little longer, local pediatrician Dr. Michael Shusterman counsels patience. “Don’t make it a power struggle,” he urges. “Instead, watch your child for cues and provide positive reinforcement for successful trips to the potty.”

Like many girls, our oldest was a piece of cake. She woke one morning a few months before her third birthday and declared that she was going to wear “big girl underwear.” And just like that, she was done. Don’t worry, though, our boys paid us back with interest. Both of them had to be dragged into the bathroom and cajoled with promises of presents and special treats. Our middle boy would only sit on the potty if he could listen to 70’s-era country music while he went. To this day, every time “Rhinestone Cowboy” comes on the car radio I involuntarily check the back seat to see if he’s fidgeting.

After the last diaper went out with the weekly trash, I had the sense that something had shifted. We’d reached a watershed moment in our family. If this past decade was about raising babies, the next one will be all about teenage angst, driver’s licenses and (gulp!) trying to find a way to pay for college.

Well, maybe I’ve got a head start on that last one. Based on my own calculations, I’m already saving $1,100 a year on diapers.